I shouldn't be so excited about fish oil

We decided to try a fish oil supplement to help Roman's communication skills. It's really supposed to help. I'm pacing the house waiting for the UPS man. The stuff comes highly recommended by other moms with kids on the autism spectrum. Anything that even holds a promise of helping is worth it in my opinion.

Roman's home visit today was not fun. He wanted to just lay there and stare off into space. His teacher seems to think he may be having seizures and that's why he just stares blankly. He does it often. I read that 30% of kids with autism also have seizures. I don't know what to think of that. I don't want my baby to have seizures. I don't want my baby to have autism. I realize there are some things that are totally beyond control, but I want to know why.

Why?

That's my question lately. Why are there so many kids with autism? There has to be a reason. I'm not sure if I buy the vaccination theory. Roman was delayed in all of his shots. He didn't have his MMR until he was 2 and he was already exhibiting the symptoms of autism long before that.

Was it something I did?

What if my medications had something to do with it? Is it because he didn't get enough breastmilk before he went to formula? Is it because he was born early? All those things could be my fault. If I wasn't bipolar I wouldn't have to have had the meds. Could I have lived without them while I was pregnant? Maybe I didn't try hard enough to breastfeed. If I wasn't so overweight when I was pregnant, maybe I wouldn't have had the blood pressure issues that caused him to be born before 36 weeks. Maybe his prematurity contributed to autism.

I realize I want to blame myself. I want to blame someone and I'm the best scapegoat. I know in raising Tycen that I blamed myself for his NF, too. I was, and maybe am, convinced that it was my faulty egg that had the screwy chromosome that made him develop NF.

This kind of thinking is crazy and self punishing for no reason, somewhere deep down I know that. My mother thinks the reason I have my two very special boys is so I can do something great to raise awareness of NF and autism. I would like to believe that, but right now, I'm just feeling like an overwhelmed parent. It takes all I have to get through the days, playing Roman's specially designed educational games, giving what attention I have to give to Tanis, dealing with Tycen and Tan's fighting when he gets home from school. How is there anything left of me to give to these causes? I want to, I just don't know how.